Being Thanksful......

I started writing this post on Thanksgiving Day when my heart was extremely full. I obviously have had a hard time publishing it (due to the personal nature of the post), yet continue to feel I need to do so....for whatever reason. So, please note, it is extremely personal and I hope that only those who feel a sense of closeness with me will take the time to read it. Thank you for your consideration. Also, I don't feel a desire to go back through this post and correct all of my mistakes, etc. so please forgive the errors!



OK, it is Thanksgiving and it is about time that I give thanks for the TREMENDOUS blessings I have had over the last couple of years. So what is it that I am thankful for...

To be quite honest, I hesitate to write down that which I am thankful for because
1. I find that it becomes quite personal.
2. I find myself in tears when acknowledging where all of my blessings come from!
3. I also realize the my life is one that might make others feel uncomfortable.....

Yet, I also know the power, humility and blessings that comes when one openly expressing their gratitude---and that "silent gratitude is useless." With that said, I move forward in expressing my gratitude on this Thanksgiving Day.

First, I cannot help but feel gratitude to my Maker for the life I have been given. Often times I have been told that I have had been given "the raw end of the stick," and that my life has definitely been "one trial after another." Maybe, I do not feel that way. My life definitely has not always been easy, but I can honestly say that I am extremely grateful for every opportunity these "trials/experiences" have brought me. They have molded me, brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and left me in awe of Him and my Savior. I wonder at their goodness and long suffering. All that is good about me is because of them.

Second, I am so grateful for family. Sometimes things are not always like "Leave it to Beaver," but I have a fabulous family.....who have often times literally been my guardian angles. I guess for me to truly express my gratitude and knowledge of their help, as well as others in my life, I will have to elaborate. I do so with extreme solemnity. I ask for forgiveness for writing about such personal things but feel a need to have it documented.

A few years ago, I found myself driving in my car without a place to go. My eldest brother, Paul, and his wife, Cynthia, not only opened their house to me, but also allowed me to enter their family. How I needed them! I needed to be in a home where the spirit resided, a place where I could heal from the trials of my life.

When I look back, I cannot help but acknowledge the Lord's hand in it all. When I moved into my brother's home it was really tight (I was sleeping in my sister-in-law's sewing room). I was definitely in the way! I struggled with this and expressed my feelings to my Father in Heaven. I told him of my feelings of intruding, being in the way, and not really belonging anywhere in this world (You see, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to go from owning my own home and being independent to being dependent on others). I wanted to be able to "take care of myself" and be "independent." Well, that was not the Lord's plan. He knew I needed to see how a functioning marriage and family lived. I needed to regain my faith in the ideals and values I hold, and the Lord knew I would get that at Paul's home. So, and I really believe, the Lord helped Paul and Cynthia find their new home. It happened so quickly, they found a fabulous home that they wanted to buy, were able to sell their home and moved into it.....all in less than a few weeks from me moving in with them. The home had/has more rooms than they have children. Cynthia even used the smaller room for her sewing room and made the larger one the "guest room." There was a little place for me on earth. In this room, I was able to grow, heal, mend and learn how to breathe again. Their kids brought such joy into my life when I needed it the most. Hallie became my "little Bitzy," and healed me in ways only the Lord knew I needed. Those kids were my angels! Paul, Cynthia and the kids sacrificed their privacy, home and personal space for me. I know it was not always easy for them, but I am so eternally thankful to them for their generosity!!!

A year later, it was time for me to move. I had purchased a condo, yet it was not completed. I was struggling, praying to my Father as to where I needed to go. Then one day my co-worker, LuAnn, asked me if I would move in with her and watch her house while she went on a cruise for a month. She invited me to live there until my condo was completed. This was also a huge blessing. She became an angel of mine as well. She was my friend, as I tried to rebuild my circle of friendships, she saw past my exterior and looked on my heart. She is a wonderful person.

This opportunity also gave my cousin time to get married, move out of my grandparent's basement, and for my grandparents to miss having someone around.....my grandmother called me to ask me if I would move into her basement. Again, the Lord knew what He was doing. I did not want to move into any other place but my condo. I did not want to be a burden on anyone anymore. After many prayers, I consented to move in with my grandparents. What a blessing this has been for me! My grandparents are amazing! I have loved getting to know them better. I have had some health issues and it has been a fabulous blessing having my grandparents around to run me to the doctors and emergency rooms.

Also, within the first 6 months of living with them, I meet my friend April, who is in my ward. She was assigned as my visiting teacher. Ironically, April and I lived through very similar experiences. We have been able to grow and help one another. She has been an angel to me as well! She has opened my eyes to how much the Lord has really carried me over the last 7 years of my life!

While living here, I was been able to meet Shay. This has also been a blessing and miracle in my life. It came about due to a calling I was given. Through this calling, I was in charge of hosting activities for single individuals within the American Fork area. Shay came to my first activity and has been a star in my heavens ever since. He has listened, helped, and loved me as I have learned to share my heart with another individual again. He has accepted me for who I am, and does not expect more than what I can offer or seems to notice how imperfect I really am. He has shown me that one can be trustworthy and honest to another; an ideal I had lost through some very rough times in the past. Shay has been an angel in my life. So, no matter what becomes of our relationship, I will always be eternally grateful for the unconditional love he has given me. For seeing me, as I believe the Lords sees me, with flaws and all, and loving me anyway!

Finally, how I need to express my deep gratitude and love for my parents. They have been angels that have helped me keep anchored as I walked through the fiery trials of my life. There were times when I literally felt nothing but pain, yet they were there to remind me (and point out to me) how the Lord was watching over me, blessing me and carrying me as I mended. They offered encouragement and love to one who felt dejected and unwanted. They set the example of love and forgiveness. They remind me that I needed to let the pain, hurt and sadness go. They have been the perfect examples for me and have always helped me throughout my life. They have and always will be my personal angels!

I am also so grateful for Ilene, for being so defensive of me through my trials. For being an angel, who was able to listen and not run away from the horrors I told her, or shun me because they were uncomfortable to hear. She listened to me with patience and made me feel loved and understood. She stood by me, as all my other family members did, as I learned to place my pains and sufferings into the Lord's hands.

Mark too has been an angel in my life. He has always made me laugh when I did not think I could laugh again and has also been so giving (he has no idea--another reason I need to express more gratitude). He has put his arm around me when I felt so unlovable and rejected. He has helped me replace items I was unable to purchase, due to my financial situations, without a thought of loses on his part. He married a wonderful woman and I was able to watch him marry in the temple, a major highlight in my life that year. What joy that brought to my heart.

For my brother John, who has been faithful in calling me to say hi and see what I am up to. They were little miracles that help give me strength to move a day ahead and remind me that I was not forgotten or too much of an "outcast" to be spoken with. You see, when one finds them self alone (after having had their little family destroyed) the calls from others remind them that you are not forgotten. I am also so extremely grateful for his willingness to play video games with me, at all hours of the night, when his schedule was so tight with work (as with all my brothers). He never knew, nor did my other brothers, that those nights were, many times, the only solid thing I had going in my life (and that is quite pathetic, but oh so true)! For not judging me and condemning me when he easily could have. You see, I lived close to him in Michigan, when things were not going well in my life. I tried extremely hard to put up an appropriate front, but am sure I came across not as I would have liked. He loved me anyway.

Then, the wonderful opportunity I had to drive up to my sister Ilene's home in Sept. to see her new baby girl. I will forever be grateful for the example her husband set for me as I stayed with them. I found myself realizing that there are truly good men out there who know how to honor and respect their priesthood. He instilled in me again the hope that there are good men out there (besides the men in my family) who are not going to break their covenants and choose worldly ways.

So today, as I look back over the last 7-8 years of my life, gratitude to my Father in Heaven, Savior, and "angels in my life" feels my heart and soul. I tear up and choke back the emotions as I realize how the Lord has blessed me. He has used "angels" around me to help me learn, grow and love once again. For my "angels," who have listened, sacrificed, loved and served me, your examples, help, sacrifice, and love will never be forgotten by me.

I have learned, yet once again (through expressing my gratitude) that we are never left alone! As I look back, I feel such an overwhelming sense of love and protection. I know God knows who we are, where we are in our lives, and what we need. I love Him and am so grateful for His hand in my life! I hope to always have the humility and courage to express my gratitude for all that has been given me! For I have been so blessed, haven’t we all?!